Pilot 5: "Charlie's Angels"

There are a couple of reasons I've only reviewed comedies so far: comedies usually air for at least 6 episodes, giving audiences a chance to grow and it is a hell of a lot harder to screw up a comedy than a drama. Speaking of which...

Hey! Did you guys see "Charlie's Angels"? You didn't because had absolutely anything better to do? Good for you!

 If you actually have guns, you don't need to pose like three girls taking pictures on the last day of 8th grade. 

Just sayin'.

Ugh, I tried my best to watch the first episode so I could review it but man, I can't tell you a lot of what happened because my brain was screaming this the whole time:

WHY ARE YOU TORTURING MEEEEEEEE!?!!?!

Now for the breakdown. The con's:

• Does no one in television know how technology actually works? No, satellite cameras wouldn't allow you to see into someone's hotel room window with enough clarity to know if someone is tied up on the bed. This has to be one of my biggest pet peeves when it comes to TV.
• I don't want a young, hot Bosley. No. Just no.
• The things that were supposed to be surprises just weren't. Between the ads and press, combined with the camera angles and foreshadowing, I could predict everything about 30 seconds before it happened, at minimum.
• Stop throwing around the word "Angels". It's not an actual title, like "Sergent" or "Captain". It gains you no respect.
• Wear some pants. A belted button-up shirt is NOT a dress. I bet fighting crime is easier with pants on.
• Seriously, slow things down. The first ten minutes could have been stretch to an entire episode, creating a great cliffhanger once we were already attached to the characters, rather than a moment whose sole purpose was to bring in the bigger stars. Add to that secret tattoos and the backstory about meeting as orphans and it just becomes a pilot-y mess. This is what I meant when I was talking about "Whitney": I do not like pilots that feel like pilots. You don't have to tell us everything in the first 42 minutes. WAAAAAAAAAY too much.
• Did they make casting decisions based purely on who would fit into the outfits? I could randomly pick three women from my work (remember that it's probably only 5% women at my job) and they would definitely be better actresses than anyone on this show. I guess they probably did the best they could with the writing...

The pro's:

• Ummm...I heard the guy from the Old Spice commercials will be joining the cast?

Seriously. Do not watch this show. Don't do it! Not even in an ironic sort of fashion. Just say no.

D-, and the only reason it's not an F is because the clothes were pretty. Excuse me as I go clean the brain puke off of mine...

If you have absolutely nothing else to do and refuse to heed any of my warnings, click here.