Tuesday, July 12, 2011

So, how's married life?

I hate that question. Absolutley HATE that question. Being married a mere four months, there are two types of people who ask me this: the ones who aren't married and the ones who are. The unmarried ones just want to hear that everything is rainbows and gumdrops and fluffy kittens. The married ones expected to hear something along the lines of "It was a difficult adjustment but things are good".

Well, guess what? It's not rainbows and gumdrops and fluffy kittens. Most of the time, I think it sucks. It sucks. But does anyone want to hear that? Nope. Once, I started my reply with "Eh..." and the look of horror on that poor person's face.

Why does everybody expect newlyweds to be in complete bliss all the time? I get that there is a honeymoon period where everything is seen through rose-colored glasses, but seriously, think about all the compromise and adjustment that comes with getting married.

I'm a very independent person. If I could only see my husband three or four nights of the week, I'd probably be OK with it. So going from seeing my husband for only intervals of time to seeing him constantly has been a huge shift, one honestly I haven't fully made yet. I miss being to just take my pants off, turn the radio on, and just dance around my apartment.

And adding to the fun has been sharing a bed. I am arguably one of the world's lightest sleepers. My husband shakes himself to sleep. When he's just falling asleep, his foot will twitch until he's out. As annoying as that is, sometimes in the night, like sleepwalking, I'll find him on his hands and knees, rocking back and forth. Do you have any idea how scary it is to wake up to a full grown man convulsing next to you?

And the "honeymoon weight". I do all the grocery shopping because I have to. If I didn't, our kitchen would be filled with nothing but ice cream, potato chips, baked goods, and cheese. Somehow, even though I do the shopping, he still manages to get the stuff in the house. I can't say no to the stuff. I've tried every method of self-restraint but I just don't got it. I've had to resort to upping my work outs in order to battle the bulge that I am slowly losing.

All this is increasingly affecting our sex life. How well do you think it goes over when my husband makes a pass at me? "Not tonight, honey. I just spent the last hour running and only got four hours of sleep last night. If you like your testicles where they are, you might want to back up out of swinging range."

My life has completely changed over the past six months. I've gone from being an engaged graduate student living by myself in my lovely hole-in-the-wall apartment to a married full-time engineer in my husband's rental house. How has my husband's life changed? He now has someone who lives with him that does all the shopping and cooking.

I've become this constant ball of stress. I feel like I'm carrying the entirety of this marriage on my back. We have the same fight almost every two weeks about how I wish he would contribute more, but nothing changes. Or maybe things change for like a day, but still.

I love being married to my husband. Just sometimes I don't love being married. Imagine if I told people that when they ask.

[Update: You can read how much better things have gotten here.]


  1. I have been married five years; it is very tough at times, like you say.
    Way more work than you realize before you get married, at least it has been that way for me.
    Good luck to you, maybe blogging about it will be a nice release.

  2. I hate that question too, unfortunately I went into our marriage expecting him to do the same things I do for him...for me. Buuuut, I learned quickly I guess whatever I get back from him should be considered a gift?

    I clean up after the little piggy, cook for him, whatever he needs I'm there.
    But I can't say he'd do the same for me if I needed it. God forbid if I were to ever get sick. His routine and world would burn to the ground.

    I completely understand the sleep walking, my husband will sit up on his elbows, looks at me talking about cars, calls me mom, and laughs his butt off then snores and lays back down...

    Now I know, once you're married, wheather you have children or not...you've got one big one forever lol

  3. Well, that sounds positively awful... not you expressing your feelings, mind you, but the experience itself.
    I've been married for almost 12 years and it is mostly rainbows and fluffy kittens. I don't know how, since most people say marriages are a lot of work, but mine hasn't ever been.
    Of course, he screams in his sleep and scares the crap out of me, and eats all of my triscuits,and we are poor as hell, but compatibility-wise we're pretty great.
    And a lot of that is that I feel free to do the things you talk about, being independent still, spending time alone, doing what I want in the confines of considering (and asking him about) his feelings. Sometimes, it is better to ignore society's concept of something (marriage in this case, obv.) and do it in the way that makes it work best for you. =)

  4. Hi Carolyn, I found your blog googling for Stitch Fix reviews and came across your update post and had to read this one too. I admire your honesty. I've been married 22 years and am only 40 years old so you can imagine the changes my husband and I have gone through over the years. Depending on the circumstances and stress in your life some years will be great and some will suck. I have discovered that the only person I can be 100% accountable for in life is myself. That means I need to accept the way other people do things and let go of the need to control what's around me. That means if my hubby acts like an ass then he acts like an ass, but I can choose not to let his behavior affect mine. I also know that he's my life partner and best friend and I need to treat him that way. That means that even if I am not 100% happy with him at that moment I still need to treat him with respect, care and love. I do talk to him about things that bother me but never when I'm feeling pissed off, that has made a huge difference in our ability to resolve problems. I've learned many things can be let go easily keeping the above in mind. (Obviously there are big issues that should always be addressed immediately, and those are between you and your hubby.)