The First Fight

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As a married couple, of course we bicker and argue, but on Saturday, I think we had our first official fight. The screaming, yelling, refusing to back down sort of fight. It took us almost five years, but we finally got there and honestly, it's kind of a relief.

Let's start at the beginning. Saturday afternoon was our second annual open house. Just finger foods and drinks and catching up with the friends and coworkers who could drop by. Last year, the party went really well, so I was already feeling a lot of pressure to have similar results. As crazy as it sounds, we started planning six weeks ago, making a list of everything we wanted to finish on the house before the party. That list spurred a lot of progress, like the bedroom update.

With one week to go, I wrote another list. A list of all the smaller things that had to be done before the party, like all the party related details ("plan menu and make grocery list", "vacuum", etc.) and the day they needed to be done. I will be the first to admit that we quickly fell behind. Fortunately, Dan had Friday off and would be able to play catch-up, or so I thought.

To help him out, I numbered the items on the list so he would know what I thought was important. I showed him the list and he said "Ok, as long as I can take my Jeep in to get the last bit welded." My mistake #1: I shouldn't have assumed that because he said "Ok" it meant he thought he could get the list done. His mistake #1: he should have spoken up if he hadn't planned on doing it.

Friday evening, after getting home from work, an unproductive trip to Target, a marathon grocery store trip to buy food for the party, and decompressing while eating dinner, I asked about the status of the list. He tried to play cute, but he'd gotten one, maybe two, things done on the list, leaving at least six or seven things untouched.

I really wish there was a way to punish husbands. If I could ground him, my life would be so much easier.

Since it was already dark and I couldn't tackle a majority of the things he failed to do that day, I spent Friday night preparing as much food as possible. I woke up early Saturday morning to keep cooking (just a side note, don't try to make these caramel apple bites from Pinterest. The caramel doesn't stick. It just flows off and makes a huge mess.) and was already overwhelmed. I woke Dan up to help me and to join me in the craziness unfolding. I was running around like a chicken with their head cut off and I just wanted some help and some initiative. He just wanted me to relax and didn't understand why I needed certain things done.

Communications really started to spiral out of control and somehow, we were both outside screaming at each other. "Why did you ask me what you should do if you're going to do something else?!" "Because it doesn't make any sense!" "What doesn't make sense?!" "None of this makes any sense!" "Why didn't you say anything days ago if you felt this way!?"

You get the point.

This went on for at least half an hour. Each of us scrambling to get things done, panicking until the other one did something that got interpreted as being confrontational and the screaming began again. The only reason I think the mood finally broke was when I had an almost incident with a bobcat (I keep meaning to post the story from weeks ago, but it'll make more sense after I post that.) It's hard to be mad at someone when you think you're about to be attacked by a bobcat.

After the party, we finally got to sit down and talk and apologize to each other. Nothing got resolved so I'm sure this'll happen again, but at least we now know how big of an issue this can become. I feel like such a marriage cliche, "My husband and I can't communicate and it's causing all kinds of problems." How boring.

The relieving part is that now I know that it's not that big of a deal if we fight. Until you've fought with someone, it's almost impossible to predict how they fight and the ramifications of it. Do they fight dirty? Do they hold a grudge? Do they spin every single little thing into something bigger? Can they stay on topic or do they throw in everything they've been saving up? Do they dish it but can't take it?

We survived our first big fight and there seems to be minimal fall-out. Yes, I can hold a grudge and take things personally, but everything seems back to normal. At some point we'll need to sit down and hopefully come to some sort of agreement on how to fix some things, but let's be honest, it'll probably take another four or five fights to drive that point home.

At least after almost five years together, we still have some firsts.

So, how's married life? Part II

I wrote this post originally five months ago, after only being married for four months. At the time, it felt so good to get everything off my chest. I was being dragged down into a deep sea trench, slowly drowning, by this anchor of what marriage was supposed to be. After five months and some pretty big changes, things are better. Things are infinitely better. I figured I owed the internet an update, that way anyone reading this blog doesn't think my marriage still sucks. It may not be all rainbows and gumdrops and fluffy kittens, but it's at least sunny skies and Smarties and old cats, whatever that means.

There were a lot of issues I was having at the beginning. My life had been completely and utterly turned upside down and what happened to my husband? He now had someone else encroaching on his big old bed and that was about it. Part of the reason it was weighing on me was there was suddenly this feeling that if there was a problem and I didn't fix it, it would be a problem for the rest of our lives. And I'm young so the rest of my life is a loooooong ass time. Eventually, it started to sink in that a lot of problems will only be fixed by time. I can't force a solution and trying to fix everything all the time was only stressing me out and annoying my husband.

Secondly, a big shift came when we moved. I was really hoping it would make things better and it truly did. When I moved in with my husband, although he would argue otherwise, I didn't bring that much. My apartment had come furnished so I only had a couple of large pieces and most everything else was clothes, but I totally already had dibs on the closet. Basically, it was still his house and I didn't feel 100% comfortable there. He had his way of doing things and most of the time, it still felt like I'd be packing up my stuff and heading back to my apartment at the end of the weekend.

Now, in our new house, it is our house. He has his stuff and I have mine. He has his areas he makes a mess of and I have mine. He knows that if I'm in a certain room in the house with the door closed, it probably means I want alone time and he shouldn't bug me. It's finally our home and I'm not constantly battling to feel comfortable there.

Also, small changes have made some huge differences. I finally get a good night's sleep. Why? Because we got separate bedding. Not beds, just bedding. On our big bed, he's got his comforter from his small college bed and I've got mine and the only fighting we do is over where the middle line is. It's just amazing how a little thing like that has made such a difference.

And part of the reason it made a difference was because I caved to how he likes to solve problems. Dan likes action. Like a typical guy, he wants to do something to fix the problem. It's annoying most of the time because I'm a typical girl and I don't want someone to solve it for me. I just want to talk about the problem and odds are that's all I need. Turns out, that wasn't the case. I needed solutions. We've finally developed a system of me bitching until it's all out in the open, with him just quietly listening. Once it's all out there, he's allowed to act. We both get what we need and it's working pretty well.

So, all in all, it's gotten better. I don't feel as much anymore that everyone has been lying to me about what marriage is supposed to be like. Throw in the fact that his work schedule has calmed down and I'd say I'm pretty happy with marriage most of the time now. There are still days when I am super excited to have the house to myself, but now I'm glad when I hear his car in the garage. Things are getting better and, as long as we don't kill each other over the upcoming Christmas break, I think we're finally getting the hang of this.

So, how's married life?

I hate that question. Absolutley HATE that question. Being married a mere four months, there are two types of people who ask me this: the ones who aren't married and the ones who are. The unmarried ones just want to hear that everything is rainbows and gumdrops and fluffy kittens. The married ones expected to hear something along the lines of "It was a difficult adjustment but things are good".

Well, guess what? It's not rainbows and gumdrops and fluffy kittens. Most of the time, I think it sucks. It sucks. But does anyone want to hear that? Nope. Once, I started my reply with "Eh..." and the look of horror on that poor person's face.

Why does everybody expect newlyweds to be in complete bliss all the time? I get that there is a honeymoon period where everything is seen through rose-colored glasses, but seriously, think about all the compromise and adjustment that comes with getting married.

I'm a very independent person. If I could only see my husband three or four nights of the week, I'd probably be OK with it. So going from seeing my husband for only intervals of time to seeing him constantly has been a huge shift, one honestly I haven't fully made yet. I miss being to just take my pants off, turn the radio on, and just dance around my apartment.

And adding to the fun has been sharing a bed. I am arguably one of the world's lightest sleepers. My husband shakes himself to sleep. When he's just falling asleep, his foot will twitch until he's out. As annoying as that is, sometimes in the night, like sleepwalking, I'll find him on his hands and knees, rocking back and forth. Do you have any idea how scary it is to wake up to a full grown man convulsing next to you?

And the "honeymoon weight". I do all the grocery shopping because I have to. If I didn't, our kitchen would be filled with nothing but ice cream, potato chips, baked goods, and cheese. Somehow, even though I do the shopping, he still manages to get the stuff in the house. I can't say no to the stuff. I've tried every method of self-restraint but I just don't got it. I've had to resort to upping my work outs in order to battle the bulge that I am slowly losing.

All this is increasingly affecting our sex life. How well do you think it goes over when my husband makes a pass at me? "Not tonight, honey. I just spent the last hour running and only got four hours of sleep last night. If you like your testicles where they are, you might want to back up out of swinging range."

My life has completely changed over the past six months. I've gone from being an engaged graduate student living by myself in my lovely hole-in-the-wall apartment to a married full-time engineer in my husband's rental house. How has my husband's life changed? He now has someone who lives with him that does all the shopping and cooking.

I've become this constant ball of stress. I feel like I'm carrying the entirety of this marriage on my back. We have the same fight almost every two weeks about how I wish he would contribute more, but nothing changes. Or maybe things change for like a day, but still.

I love being married to my husband. Just sometimes I don't love being married. Imagine if I told people that when they ask.

[Update: You can read how much better things have gotten here.]